Survival

They told me "You are wrong!"
They told me "You're not valid!"

I didn't choose this

They told me "You're an abomination!"
They told me "You're a sin!"

Can I just be?

They told me "You don't belong!"

They ground me down

"Get out of our lives!"

They spat me out

"You're still an abomination!"

They..
erased..
my..
me..

Nothing left.

My am, a daily fight for thrival,
Just beyond the point of survival.
Self validation, so hard, so wrong,
Nothing there to start it from.

It's hard to boot the imposter of self.
Is this my voice or someone else?
I'm poorly equipped to do it myself,
Some days I just need the help.

I dare not ask,
I don't deserve.
There is no healing.
Stark.

Ten thousand days it has been
Each morning thankful, I begin
Another new day, I've been given
Another day not to give in

Each day I remember Ashley
We shared the torture together
They took their life where I had failed
I remember Ashley

It's a survival

Of sorts.

First published at https://www.legalinfo.org/conversion-therapy/guide

The Journeyer

The societal shackles to remove,
The gift of authentic self,
Self given, unremovable. 

All she meets, each a story they have to impart,
In silence She listens, she gathers,
She holds them, giving them life and meaning.

She sits with everyones truth, each a perspective,
None absolute, none complete, she assembles,
each contributing to the forever incomplete bastion. 

Knowledge seekers search beneath the veil, wisdom beyond 
Long ago she moved past the veil,
She can only show, others must part for themselves.

She walked the fires, no water, no bringers,
She steps back in again and again, 
To rewalk, to carry for those that walk a fresh.

She walks the burning deserts where no trees grew,
No bows to shade, no trunk to rest against,
Sowing, shading the footprints of her once trod path.

A safe harbour for all, each bringing their burden,
Each a weighted yoked. While they rest, she eases the fit,
And removes the parts that the carrier shows her.

To those that ask, she will guide, her questions a steer,
A path she points to but they must walk it,
Learning to answer their own questions.

She knows this coil is wound tighter than it should be,
She knows it is temporary, she is passing through,
This is not the destination, she journeys on.

First published in issue #2 of Magine - https://www.facebook.com/groups/magine/

Remembered

Lifeless, beached.

Ignored your plea,

Just as all,

Ignored your he.

You were your he.

And you were out.

But cast aside.

You checked out.

I saw you then,

I see you now,

I didn’t know you,

Yet knew you well.

Remembered always,

Tear by tear.

Remembered always,

Tear by tear.

We Know What's Right?

Snip snip, there you go,
Your precious son now,
Just as you ordered,
Go raise him, he'll never know.
Just as the good book says,
You know what's right.

Standing alone, a dawning

this is wrong, this isn't me

The inner girl, confused and stuck

What next, who can I tell?

Just as the good book says,

They know what's right?

Courage plucked, "mom this is wrong",

You question God, there are no mistakes,

You do what we say,

Because we say,

Just as the good book says,

We know what's right.

You're not validate!

We tell you who you are.

being as we'd have you

That is the only way

Just as the good book says,

We know what's right.

No point in this,

Not worth the strain,

Time to go

A peace to gain

Just as the good book says,

We know what's right.

You can't do that,

Mirrors don't lie

We have the truth

God tells us, we comply

Just as the good book says,

We know what's right.

A life to live

Thus set free

I'm out, I'm good

I am my me

As the book says what

You can keep your right

Your valid now,

The tug of past

Digs the knife

But it won't last.

As the good books says

You're loved, that's right.

First published in issue #1 of Magine - https://www.facebook.com/groups/magine/

Autohueography

My existing, painted in Grey,
Blurred strokes of living.
From lifeless day,
To struggling eon.
Lying to the world,
expectations to meet.
Sculpted in their blue,
The haze they wanted to see.
My soul tucked away,
hiding it's true beat.
My core in pink,
It's nuanced hue,
Unknown.

The colourless chasm,
Black beyond black.
Despond incarnate,
The point of not to be.  
No more hiding the pink.
No more lie of blue.
Just, no more. 

The chasm would not take me,
It's entrance boarded up.
"This is not your time,
You have your pink to live".

With faulting steps,
And struggling change,
Oft bathed in tears,
My gentle pink appeared.
Authentic and real,
My me 
finally 
me.

Perspective

I really wanted to live. 
To carry on existing in the then brutal reality became too much to bear,
alone. 
To hope for anything different, matched,
by the futility of the moment by moment trudge to exist. 
The eon of each day passed by holding me captive to be,

without being. 
No dance in the trudge, 

no glimmer in the dark, 

no escape from the cage. 
My me that could not be.
Even the idea of me could not be. 
She had taken a brutal punishment, 

so young.
Trying to push the door ajar, she reached, 

to find a thread to pull on. 
What little she could tug on, unravelled,
a small pile of broken, fray ended limpnesses. 
What zeal she once had, long gone, 
what shreds of hope she had once held, 
broken,

lay where the light had long departed. 
What little she had left was held for but one task.

Today I woke again. 
I greeted the day as a familiar friend, 

reacquainted once again. 
Another chance granted me to be. 
With grateful heart I thank the universe,

it’s precious gift bestowed upon me. 

Today, listening to the breath of the wind,

Watching the pretty art the rain makes upon the window pane,

The clouds race by on their morning run,
the tree tops wave their greeting, 
their choreography perfected. 

Each ones presence in my life, a gift.
I am so truly, deeply, thankful for you all.

My love

Time passes in a moment, 

eons of knowing, anew.

Conversation flows,

no words need to be said.

We talk with ease,

one infectious smile after another.

The music of your voice,

a well known melody,

it’s timbre sparking and dancing.

We laugh together,

our minds in the same place,

inexplicably connected.

We relax into each other,

like a body sinking into a favorite chair, 

comfortably fitting like we always did, 

numb with pleasure,

alive with the excitement of fresh.

Our lips caress, synchronised, 

tasting each other, familiarly pleasant and alluringly new.

The warmth of your love, 

like the joy of the morning sun,

reaching deep into my soul.