The First Time

The first time I saw your tears,
I watched your happy flow out.

The first time I saw your face,
I felt your gaze upon mine.

The first time I heard your voice,
I was drawn to your you.

The first time I felt your cheek,
You felt my cheek on yours.

The first time you saw me online,
You felt beyond my quiet.

The first time you answered the phone,
I heard your happy smile. 

The first time I took your hand,
You slid closed your grip on mine.

The first time I hugged you tight,
Your heart unclenched to love.

The first time I smelt your hair,
It lingered for the day.

The first time we went for dinner,
We froze in the warm company.

The first time I gazed into your eyes,
You held my gaze in comfort.

The first time you held me tight,
I felt your depth of safe.

The first time I said I love you, 
You said I love you too. 

First published in issue #5 of Magine - https://www.facebook.com/groups/magine/

Moments etched

Jolted, I knew.

Warmth soaked the air of the day
Aromas mixed, rose, grass and bay
Hot slab at my feet
Cacophony around, not heard
Questions a whir
No words
Nothing to cling to
Ominous wrong
Alone

You heaved your last
Then no more
The peace of pain free
You'd gone
Silence
Loss
The image of you remains
Where you always were
What next?

Alone, hurt
Undeserved
Violation
Pleas, recast as lies
Nowhere safe from your reach
No escape
Confused

Story told
Waiting
Perched as he scribed
Will he? Won't he?
The eons of seconds
Deafening scratches of pen
He turned
Anticipation exploding
Life moving depends
Yes.

The long journey
To a foreign place
The preparation meticulous
The last sleepless night
Bids morning to an early start
Three two .. gone
And then it was done
Euphoric peace

In the blink of phone call
I could see you no more
No home
Life upturned, dumped out
Birthdays passed unmarked
You lives lived, a vacuum to me
Waiting, I had no choice
Each day inching to a possible

Shock
I read your words
Between them I felt the wet
Your tears poured
Each word plucked from the pool of pain
Each word adding to my pool
And then came more
Joy and pain, oft companions
Sit together

Into the world you came
Into your new world
My eyes you saw
My voice you heard
My touch your felt
The beginnings of bond
Love unbounded

Bruised, in silence
I failed
"Not like this"
Reverberating
"Then what?"
"You know"
I did
A step to take
Both wanted and not
Gain and loss
I knew what was to come
Bruised, survived.

So many years unseen
Nervous and excited
Taught
And then
So different yet the same
A hug worth nine thousand days
Yet but a moment had passed
Love never gone

Our eyes met
I was walking home, panged with hunger
You were sitting, being driven away
The last of your pain crippling
Within hours you'd gone
But that exchange,
A moment of bond
Later I would know it as love

With difficulty, I told you
With love you accepted
Your stories you'd told me
So much I had learnt
But this moment meant all
And taught me the most
You're missed but ever close

First published in issue #3 of Magine - https://www.facebook.com/groups/magine/

Growing up with dis lecks ee er

For the life of me I can not spell,
It made my schooling a living hell.
Late to read and late to write,
All I knew was learning fight.

Thus at school, labeled stupid
Out of class summarily booted
Down the hall to 'one more suited'
No hope for me, they concluded.

Now if it were math and numbers,
Oh thats ok, not an encumber.
But spelling, now thats a blunder,
We'll find a bus and toss you under.

Please don't make me read aloud,
It gets much worse when there's a crowd.
Read and say each solitary word,
If I read ahead, my brain gets blurred.

Words typed sdrawkcab
Just one hazzard
Whilst others just go...
Opps.. sorry.. missed missing

Dis lecks ics all untie
Dis lecks ics rule ko
I'm sure there's more jokes
A few I know

How ironic, the name of barrier,
The unspellable, dis lecks ee er

First published in issue #4 of Magine - https://www.facebook.com/groups/magine/

Survival

They told me "You are wrong!"
They told me "You're not valid!"

I didn't choose this

They told me "You're an abomination!"
They told me "You're a sin!"

Can I just be?

They told me "You don't belong!"

They ground me down

"Get out of our lives!"

They spat me out

"You're still an abomination!"

They..
erased..
my..
me..

Nothing left.

My am, a daily fight for thrival,
Just beyond the point of survival.
Self validation, so hard, so wrong,
Nothing there to start it from.

It's hard to boot the imposter of self.
Is this my voice or someone else?
I'm poorly equipped to do it myself,
Some days I just need the help.

I dare not ask,
I don't deserve.
There is no healing.
Stark.

Ten thousand days it has been
Each morning thankful, I begin
Another new day, I've been given
Another day not to give in

Each day I remember Ashley
We shared the torture together
They took their life where I had failed
I remember Ashley

It's a survival

Of sorts.

First published at https://www.legalinfo.org/conversion-therapy/guide

The Journeyer

The societal shackles to remove,
The gift of authentic self,
Self given, unremovable. 

All she meets, each a story they have to impart,
In silence She listens, she gathers,
She holds them, giving them life and meaning.

She sits with everyones truth, each a perspective,
None absolute, none complete, she assembles,
each contributing to the forever incomplete bastion. 

Knowledge seekers search beneath the veil, wisdom beyond 
Long ago she moved past the veil,
She can only show, others must part for themselves.

She walked the fires, no water, no bringers,
She steps back in again and again, 
To rewalk, to carry for those that walk a fresh.

She walks the burning deserts where no trees grew,
No bows to shade, no trunk to rest against,
Sowing, shading the footprints of her once trod path.

A safe harbour for all, each bringing their burden,
Each a weighted yoked. While they rest, she eases the fit,
And removes the parts that the carrier shows her.

To those that ask, she will guide, her questions a steer,
A path she points to but they must walk it,
Learning to answer their own questions.

She knows this coil is wound tighter than it should be,
She knows it is temporary, she is passing through,
This is not the destination, she journeys on.

First published in issue #2 of Magine - https://www.facebook.com/groups/magine/

Remembered

Lifeless, beached.

Ignored your plea,

Just as all,

Ignored your he.

You were your he.

And you were out.

But cast aside.

You checked out.

I saw you then,

I see you now,

I didn’t know you,

Yet knew you well.

Remembered always,

Tear by tear.

Remembered always,

Tear by tear.

We Know What's Right?

Snip snip, there you go,
Your precious son now,
Just as you ordered,
Go raise him, he'll never know.
Just as the good book says,
You know what's right.

Standing alone, a dawning

this is wrong, this isn't me

The inner girl, confused and stuck

What next, who can I tell?

Just as the good book says,

They know what's right?

Courage plucked, "mom this is wrong",

You question God, there are no mistakes,

You do what we say,

Because we say,

Just as the good book says,

We know what's right.

You're not validate!

We tell you who you are.

being as we'd have you

That is the only way

Just as the good book says,

We know what's right.

No point in this,

Not worth the strain,

Time to go

A peace to gain

Just as the good book says,

We know what's right.

You can't do that,

Mirrors don't lie

We have the truth

God tells us, we comply

Just as the good book says,

We know what's right.

A life to live

Thus set free

I'm out, I'm good

I am my me

As the book says what

You can keep your right

Your valid now,

The tug of past

Digs the knife

But it won't last.

As the good books says

You're loved, that's right.

First published in issue #1 of Magine - https://www.facebook.com/groups/magine/