The First Time

The first time I saw your tears,
I watched your happy flow out.

The first time I saw your face,
I felt your gaze upon mine.

The first time I heard your voice,
I was drawn to your you.

The first time I felt your cheek,
You felt my cheek on yours.

The first time you saw me online,
You felt beyond my quiet.

The first time you answered the phone,
I heard your happy smile. 

The first time I took your hand,
You slid closed your grip on mine.

The first time I hugged you tight,
Your heart unclenched to love.

The first time I smelt your hair,
It lingered for the day.

The first time we went for dinner,
We froze in the warm company.

The first time I gazed into your eyes,
You held my gaze in comfort.

The first time you held me tight,
I felt your depth of safe.

The first time I said I love you, 
You said I love you too. 

First published in issue #5 of Magine - https://www.facebook.com/groups/magine/

Moments etched

Jolted, I knew.

Warmth soaked the air of the day
Aromas mixed, rose, grass and bay
Hot slab at my feet
Cacophony around, not heard
Questions a whir
No words
Nothing to cling to
Ominous wrong
Alone

You heaved your last
Then no more
The peace of pain free
You'd gone
Silence
Loss
The image of you remains
Where you always were
What next?

Alone, hurt
Undeserved
Violation
Pleas, recast as lies
Nowhere safe from your reach
No escape
Confused

Story told
Waiting
Perched as he scribed
Will he? Won't he?
The eons of seconds
Deafening scratches of pen
He turned
Anticipation exploding
Life moving depends
Yes.

The long journey
To a foreign place
The preparation meticulous
The last sleepless night
Bids morning to an early start
Three two .. gone
And then it was done
Euphoric peace

In the blink of phone call
I could see you no more
No home
Life upturned, dumped out
Birthdays passed unmarked
You lives lived, a vacuum to me
Waiting, I had no choice
Each day inching to a possible

Shock
I read your words
Between them I felt the wet
Your tears poured
Each word plucked from the pool of pain
Each word adding to my pool
And then came more
Joy and pain, oft companions
Sit together

Into the world you came
Into your new world
My eyes you saw
My voice you heard
My touch your felt
The beginnings of bond
Love unbounded

Bruised, in silence
I failed
"Not like this"
Reverberating
"Then what?"
"You know"
I did
A step to take
Both wanted and not
Gain and loss
I knew what was to come
Bruised, survived.

So many years unseen
Nervous and excited
Taught
And then
So different yet the same
A hug worth nine thousand days
Yet but a moment had passed
Love never gone

Our eyes met
I was walking home, panged with hunger
You were sitting, being driven away
The last of your pain crippling
Within hours you'd gone
But that exchange,
A moment of bond
Later I would know it as love

With difficulty, I told you
With love you accepted
Your stories you'd told me
So much I had learnt
But this moment meant all
And taught me the most
You're missed but ever close

First published in issue #3 of Magine - https://www.facebook.com/groups/magine/

Growing up with dis lecks ee er

For the life of me I can not spell,
It made my schooling a living hell.
Late to read and late to write,
All I knew was learning fight.

Thus at school, labeled stupid
Out of class summarily booted
Down the hall to 'one more suited'
No hope for me, they concluded.

Now if it were math and numbers,
Oh thats ok, not an encumber.
But spelling, now thats a blunder,
We'll find a bus and toss you under.

Please don't make me read aloud,
It gets much worse when there's a crowd.
Read and say each solitary word,
If I read ahead, my brain gets blurred.

Words typed sdrawkcab
Just one hazzard
Whilst others just go...
Opps.. sorry.. missed missing

Dis lecks ics all untie
Dis lecks ics rule ko
I'm sure there's more jokes
A few I know

How ironic, the name of barrier,
The unspellable, dis lecks ee er

First published in issue #4 of Magine - https://www.facebook.com/groups/magine/

Survival

They told me "You are wrong!"
They told me "You're not valid!"

I didn't choose this

They told me "You're an abomination!"
They told me "You're a sin!"

Can I just be?

They told me "You don't belong!"

They ground me down

"Get out of our lives!"

They spat me out

"You're still an abomination!"

They..
erased..
my..
me..

Nothing left.

My am, a daily fight for thrival,
Just beyond the point of survival.
Self validation, so hard, so wrong,
Nothing there to start it from.

It's hard to boot the imposter of self.
Is this my voice or someone else?
I'm poorly equipped to do it myself,
Some days I just need the help.

I dare not ask,
I don't deserve.
There is no healing.
Stark.

Ten thousand days it has been
Each morning thankful, I begin
Another new day, I've been given
Another day not to give in

Each day I remember Ashley
We shared the torture together
They took their life where I had failed
I remember Ashley

It's a survival

Of sorts.

First published at https://www.legalinfo.org/conversion-therapy/guide

The Journeyer

The societal shackles to remove,
The gift of authentic self,
Self given, unremovable. 

All she meets, each a story they have to impart,
In silence She listens, she gathers,
She holds them, giving them life and meaning.

She sits with everyones truth, each a perspective,
None absolute, none complete, she assembles,
each contributing to the forever incomplete bastion. 

Knowledge seekers search beneath the veil, wisdom beyond 
Long ago she moved past the veil,
She can only show, others must part for themselves.

She walked the fires, no water, no bringers,
She steps back in again and again, 
To rewalk, to carry for those that walk a fresh.

She walks the burning deserts where no trees grew,
No bows to shade, no trunk to rest against,
Sowing, shading the footprints of her once trod path.

A safe harbour for all, each bringing their burden,
Each a weighted yoked. While they rest, she eases the fit,
And removes the parts that the carrier shows her.

To those that ask, she will guide, her questions a steer,
A path she points to but they must walk it,
Learning to answer their own questions.

She knows this coil is wound tighter than it should be,
She knows it is temporary, she is passing through,
This is not the destination, she journeys on.

First published in issue #2 of Magine - https://www.facebook.com/groups/magine/

Remembered

Lifeless, beached.

Ignored your plea,

Just as all,

Ignored your he.

You were your he.

And you were out.

But cast aside.

You checked out.

I saw you then,

I see you now,

I didn’t know you,

Yet knew you well.

Remembered always,

Tear by tear.

Remembered always,

Tear by tear.

We Know What's Right?

Snip snip, there you go,
Your precious son now,
Just as you ordered,
Go raise him, he'll never know.
Just as the good book says,
You know what's right.

Standing alone, a dawning

this is wrong, this isn't me

The inner girl, confused and stuck

What next, who can I tell?

Just as the good book says,

They know what's right?

Courage plucked, "mom this is wrong",

You question God, there are no mistakes,

You do what we say,

Because we say,

Just as the good book says,

We know what's right.

You're not validate!

We tell you who you are.

being as we'd have you

That is the only way

Just as the good book says,

We know what's right.

No point in this,

Not worth the strain,

Time to go

A peace to gain

Just as the good book says,

We know what's right.

You can't do that,

Mirrors don't lie

We have the truth

God tells us, we comply

Just as the good book says,

We know what's right.

A life to live

Thus set free

I'm out, I'm good

I am my me

As the book says what

You can keep your right

Your valid now,

The tug of past

Digs the knife

But it won't last.

As the good books says

You're loved, that's right.

First published in issue #1 of Magine - https://www.facebook.com/groups/magine/

Autohueography

My existing, painted in Grey,
Blurred strokes of living.
From lifeless day,
To struggling eon.
Lying to the world,
expectations to meet.
Sculpted in their blue,
The haze they wanted to see.
My soul tucked away,
hiding it's true beat.
My core in pink,
It's nuanced hue,
Unknown.

The colourless chasm,
Black beyond black.
Despond incarnate,
The point of not to be.  
No more hiding the pink.
No more lie of blue.
Just, no more. 

The chasm would not take me,
It's entrance boarded up.
"This is not your time,
You have your pink to live".

With faulting steps,
And struggling change,
Oft bathed in tears,
My gentle pink appeared.
Authentic and real,
My me 
finally 
me.

Perspective

I really wanted to live. 
To carry on existing in the then brutal reality became too much to bear,
alone. 
To hope for anything different, matched,
by the futility of the moment by moment trudge to exist. 
The eon of each day passed by holding me captive to be,

without being. 
No dance in the trudge, 

no glimmer in the dark, 

no escape from the cage. 
My me that could not be.
Even the idea of me could not be. 
She had taken a brutal punishment, 

so young.
Trying to push the door ajar, she reached, 

to find a thread to pull on. 
What little she could tug on, unravelled,
a small pile of broken, fray ended limpnesses. 
What zeal she once had, long gone, 
what shreds of hope she had once held, 
broken,

lay where the light had long departed. 
What little she had left was held for but one task.

Today I woke again. 
I greeted the day as a familiar friend, 

reacquainted once again. 
Another chance granted me to be. 
With grateful heart I thank the universe,

it’s precious gift bestowed upon me. 

Today, listening to the breath of the wind,

Watching the pretty art the rain makes upon the window pane,

The clouds race by on their morning run,
the tree tops wave their greeting, 
their choreography perfected. 

Each ones presence in my life, a gift.
I am so truly, deeply, thankful for you all.

My love

Time passes in a moment, 

eons of knowing, anew.

Conversation flows,

no words need to be said.

We talk with ease,

one infectious smile after another.

The music of your voice,

a well known melody,

it’s timbre sparking and dancing.

We laugh together,

our minds in the same place,

inexplicably connected.

We relax into each other,

like a body sinking into a favorite chair, 

comfortably fitting like we always did, 

numb with pleasure,

alive with the excitement of fresh.

Our lips caress, synchronised, 

tasting each other, familiarly pleasant and alluringly new.

The warmth of your love, 

like the joy of the morning sun,

reaching deep into my soul.

Sad

I loved you. You hurt me.
Your golden core sealed in a leaden shell.
Stung. Bitter sweet.
Depleted and drained.
Empty and lost.
My me hiding,
wounded.
My love wrenched from me,
cast away, discarded.
Memories made, to be cherished,
slithers of bright in the dark.
Memories to be lost,
clawing of the dark released.
Memories never to be,
grieved.
Sadness wells up,
I sag,
I gently weep,
unexpected,
unprompted.
My brokenness,
lays smashed, scattered.
The gentle fingers of love,
others offer to help,
bringing the pieces slowly together.
Tears cleanse and irrigate.
I'm just so sad.

My Mothers Day

“What would you like for Mother’s Day?”
“Do you have any plans today?”
Amidst the tears and pain
One thing this day I pray
To see my baby girl again
A mother herself today
The day will pass once more in vein
But my hope will never sway

Why am I so proud of you?

I am proud of you every day.
Despite your sore and tired body,
  you put your all into each day.
You do so much to be the wonderful mom you are
You work hard to make it all happen.
Each day I see a little more of what you go through
Each day I see a little more of what you've been through,
   the scars and breaks of the past.
Each day I want to love you more than enough to heal.
Each day I see your smile, hear your laugh.
Each day I hear the sweet music of you heart.
Each day I get to hear your lovely voice.
I see a little further into your ever changing eyes.
Each day I love you more,
   more than any obstacle that might get in the way,
   more than any hurt either of us have had in the past.
I love you more.
I am proud of you each and every day.

You hurt me

You hurt me.

I was small, unknowing.
You were strong, older.
You called yourself family.
You had one thing on your mind,
I needed to get away.
I cried, you did it anyway.
Innocence scarred.
You acted like nothing ever happened.
You abused me.

You ignored me.

I came to you to tell you,
I trusted you.
You told me I was lying.
I broke.
You said family don't do that.
Humiliated.
I walked away. Again.
You abused me.

I withdrew

The visits continued,
I made excuses.
No where was safe at home when you visited.
Chastised for absence,
I didn't care.
I wasn't the only victim.
But I was not the protector.
You abused me.

I never forgot

The years passed by.
Scars remain, reminder never gone.
I survived.
I hope you touched no others, I fear you did.
I'm 'ok' now but I needed help.
It took some work.
You have no power.

A Widows Heart

Grief erupts in to a widows world. With the force untold of volcanic action, it's burning lava upon the cheeks. Scars of loss etched upon a heart, embattled and weak, she makes it through. Dark nights of day pass by, lifts slowly the dim inky fog, revealing the glimmer of star light bright, cherished memories bring light each day. A widow's heart is a special place, when once again love finds her. Stretched and flexed, her heart becomes, space for two she finds. One that remains as memories, for the love that didn't die, long gone the bodily vessel, as pain and grief subside, asymptotically. And one that grows day by day, new memories made, new stars to shine, cherishing anew, moments special. Her heart expanding, more love to give, exponentially.

Jayden

My friend Jayden died last night
He hung himself
The prison of his body's she
he could take no more.
His parents enforced his she
condemned he felt

My friend Jayden died last night
He hung himself
His limp body suspended
The rope taught
The darkness of the night
Shrouding his last moment
The chair kicked out
His darkness at an end

My friend Jayden died last night
He hung himself
My efforts not enough
I tried. I failed.
So much more that coulda shoulda,
we all failed him

My friend Jayden died last night
He hung himself
I lost a friend.

Soul, and heart

many lives lived
many lives experienced 
yet one soul life

to help she returns
time and time again
her body chosen
to parents born
lessons to be learnt 
content and anti-content
before she does her work

at last she becomes one with rhe mind
nudging it along over the years
things to be unlearnt
books to be read
people's truths to assimilate
places to experience
things to be remembered
from many lifes 
like snippets of conversations
heard at a distance 
ideas placed on the tip of her brain
released when needed

dreams given
helping her mind along
the crossroads of decisons confirmed 
her future secure

the glimpse of our dance she sees
colours like the arura
rainbow and beyond
we twist like double helixes
exploding in light
the universe our dance floor
our bodies and minds, friends
conscienceness, our thing
love, our reason

Pray

Your body pained, no peace to find.
Sleep elusive, spins your mind.
Your mood, destroyed.
Your energy, taken.
Frustrated, defeated.
Tapped out, broken.

Once more, to sleep you try.
For your peace, I pray.
Of you mindful I stay, quiet.
Nothing else I can do.
Your pain I feel.
For your healing, I cry.

84 days

Seven million empty ticks,
  just a lonely moment ago.
One weary trudge, the path dark,
  unclear, tangled and overgrown.
A plethora of memories,
  for uneasy company,
Two wells of grief,
  it's bitter sting burning the cheeks.
Zero,  solace coerced
  voids where once there were none.
Uncounted, the moments that pass,
  the moments to get through.
84 stark reminders,
  the familiar morning jolt.
Two thousand hours,
  one hundred thousand minutes,
The passage of each,
  carved in the sands of loss. 

Force unseen

The eagle soars high above the mountain,
the unseen wind of destruction elsewhere,
propels her forward with majesty and grace.

Facing into a thousand storms, unmoved,
the cliff stands firm against them all,
carved by time, she still stands tall.

The scorched ground hugs close to mother earth,
her back exposed, black and burnt,
gives rise to fresh signs of growth,
now the fire has gone.

The cleft tree split in two,
once stood in resplendent growth,
she grows once more, bows new and fresh,
the visiting lightening, long gone.

The rock, her back exposed,
washed with ocean force,
the water pooled, leaks slowly out,
now the storm is moving on.

The horses thunder across the plain,
the threat unseen and long away,
they run now, beauty in their form.

The ocean falls and rises,
its choreographer the moon,
the unseen force of gravity,
it’s dance directs.

Your steadfast love,
through sickness and death,
clings strong to my heart,
in bonds unseen.